Interview with a Vampire
The following is an accurate account of a recent job interview. ‘Tis a harrowing tale of awkwardness and needless to say, I don’t think I got the job. Thank God.
I: Interviewer
A: Myself
I: Good afternoon. Aubrey, is it?
A: Yes, Aubrey.
I: I like that name. I mean, it’s not Jennifer or something.
A: Oh, thanks. It’s actually—
Interrupted.
I: Yeah so let me begin by telling you a bit about myself…
Interviewer begins educating interviewee on the ins and outs of his professional past. The monologue rapidly devolves into a detailed account of every vacation he has taken within the last 7-10 years, (presumably in order to demonstrate his level of success), a list of his personal shortcomings (believed to be intended as a form of modesty, though this did not translate), and the admission that he doesn’t really enjoy his work, per se—he is just so damn good at. Apparently it would be a crime to deprive the world of his professional contributions.
The interviewee, surprised at not being asked any questions beyond the confirmation of her identity, nods her head and dons her most acute listening face.
30 minutes later…
I: Ok. So that was me. What about you?
A: Well, I—
Interrupted.
I: I see that you’re married.
Interviewee stammers, completely taken aback and wondering to herself “Is that question even legal?!”)
A: Uh, yes. Well, yes I am.
I: Let me be direct with you. Like, really. What does your husband do?
A: He’s an attorney, actually. He works right around the corner from—
I: Wow-wow. Let me hold you right there. Do you even NEED this job?
A: Well, actually I—
I: I mean. He supports you, right? Why don’t you just stay home and enjoy it? I can see your ring.
A: Sir, I don’t think that’s quite—
I: I’m just being straight with you. I am sure he does quite well.
Interviewee does not feel the need to respond to this. Interviewer is unfazed.
I: So if when you’re not out looking for a job, what do you do?
A: Actually, I carry a very full load of freelance work. But I always keep an eye out for opportunities that I believe—
Interrupted.
I: So. You’re unemployed?
A: No. I freelance.
I: So, you’re unemployed?
A: No. I do a lot of—
Interrupted.
I: Again, do you really need a job?
Silence.
I: Tell me, tell me. Do you fight with your husband often?
A: Uh…
I: I mean, like, when you do, are you right a lot?
A: I guess I try to be. Sometimes. It really depends.
I: Like, even when the fight is over and say you apologize or whatever and then you go and think to yourself… ‘yeah, I am still right…’
A: On occasion, sure. I think most people…
Interrupted.
I: See what I did there? I’m super analytical like that. I just get in there. I know these things.
A: Oh, yeah. I see.
Silence.
I: So, that about wraps it up then. Will you send me samples of your latest work?
A: I have to go.
